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Healthy Relationships

Expectations in Relationships: When we enter into romantic relationships, we have a range of ideas and expectations about what it should be like. These ideas are based on family relationships, what we’ve seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. These ideas may not always be realistic.

Here are some things to consider:

  • Respect changes. What you want from a relationship in the early months of dating may be quite different from what you want after you have been together for some time. Anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time.
  • Accept difference. It is difficult, but healthy, to accept that there are some things about our partners that will not change over time no matter how much we want them to. Be aware of that and make sure that you can live with the differences in your partner if you want to continue the relationship.
  • Express wants and needs. You cannot expect your partner to always know what you want or need. It is your responsibility to express your needs and allow them to do the same.
  • Respect your partner’s rights: In healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner’s right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. It is unrealistic to expect or demand that he or she have the same priorities, goals and interests as you.
  • There will be conflict: In any relationship, there will be disagreements and conflict. The way partners handle conflict will determine if the relationship will endure.
  • Maintain the relationship: Nothing in life comes without hard work. Good, healthy relationships require work even if it may not seem that way at first. You have to continue respecting your partner and being a good partner yourself if the relationship is to work.
What to do if conflict arises
  • Clarify your messages: A clear message involves a respectful but direct expression of your wants and needs. Take some time to identify what you really want before talking to your partner. Work on being able to describe your request in clear, observable terms. For example, you might say, “I would like you to hold my hand more often” rather than the vague, “I wish you were more affectionate.”
  • Agree to disagree and move on. Most couples will encounter some issues upon which they will never completely agree. Rather than continuing a cycle of repeated fights, agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise or find a way to work around the issue.
  • Discuss one thing at a time. It can be tempting to list your concerns or grievances, but doing so will likely prolong an argument. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time.
  • Really listen. Focus on trying to really hear what your partner is saying without becoming defensive. It may be good to sum up what you understood: “So what I’m hearing you say is…”
  • Adopt a “win-win” position. A “win-win” stance means that your goal is for the relationship, rather than for either partner to “win” in a conflict situation. Ask yourself: “Is what I’m about to say (or do) going to increase or decrease the odds that we’ll work this problem out?”
Some ways to Maintain a Good Relationship
  • Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.
  • Let one another know what your needs are.
  • Realise that your partner will not be able to meet all your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside of the relationship.
  • Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another.
  • Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences between your ideal mate and the real person you are dating.
  • Try to see things from the other’s point of view. This does not mean that you must agree with one another all the time, but rather that both of you can understand and respect each other’s differences, points of view, and separate needs.
  • Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. Seek professional help early rather than waiting until the situation becomes critical.
  • Do your best to treat your partner in a way that says, “I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out.”
When a Relationship Ends…

We are usually so happy and in love that we rarely consider that a relationship can end. The bliss of feeling understood and the hope that you will experience “the happy ever after fairy tale ending” can feel truly wonderful at the time. Unfortunately, this does not always last and it can be really tough when a relationship ends. There are many ways that people can react to a breakup:

  • Denial - Sometimes it is difficult to accept that the relationship is over.
  • Anger - We can be angry at our partner for ending the relationship or for hurting us.
  • Self-blame – We blame ourselves for what went wrong. We replay our relationship over and over, saying to ourselves, “If only I had done this. If only I had done that.”
  • Sadness – We are sad about what we have lost in the relationship and what we hoped the relationship would be for us in the future.
  • Guilt – We feel guilty, particularly if we choose to end a relationship. We don’t want to hurt our partner.
  • Relief – We can be relieved that there is an ending to the pain, the fighting, the torment, and the lifelessness of the relationship. While some of these feelings may seem overwhelming, they are all natural reactions. For some of us they are necessary to the process of healing, so that we can eventually move on and engage in other relationships.
Helpful Ways to Cope with a Breakup
  • Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear and pain associated with an ending. It is okay to validate the importance of the relationship that you have lost.
  • Connect with others. It is crucial at this time to remember the caring and supportive relationships that remain in your life. Ask others for support in this time and tell them how they can be helpful to you. Share with supportive others how you are reacting to the ending of the relationship.
  • Engage in “self-help” practices. Some people benefit from reading self-help books. Others enjoy creative writing as a means of healing and expression. Find a way that complements your personality and do it! Expressing your feelings is a great way to learn about yourself and your current needs.
  • Take some time to pamper yourself. Look after yourself! Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and cut down on addictive behaviours, if any (e.g. drinking, smoking or eating excessively).
  • Remember the relationship as it was. It might be hard to always remember the reasons why the relationship was flawed, especially if loneliness sets in. Try to make sure you remember the relationship as it was, with the good as well as the bad.
  • Get the help you need. If you feel “stuck” in a pattern and unable to change it or if your reaction to the ending of the relationship is interfering negatively with positive areas of your life over a period of time, talking to a professional counsellor may help.
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